Sunday, 3 July 2011

How to Outdrink the DUTCH (Guest Entry)

I didn't want to leave out the Dutch, but regrettably I know almost nothing about them as drinkers, because any time I'm there I spend my time getting pancaked on weed like there's no heaven, and the alcohol gets kind of put aside.

So I've asked a friend of mine, an Englishman who resides amid the Oranje, to share his wisdom with us. With many thanks to Adam Walker, here's the wiki on how to outdrink the Dutch!

An explanation of the Dutch diminutive suffix –je i.e bier = beer, biertje = small beer. The dutch always drunk biertjes and this fits in with the national obsession of “gezeligheid” = good company, cosy surroundings, consuming lots of biertjes and little bits of cheese and sausage because all small things are, per definition, gezelig.

Gezeligheid (the act of being gezelig) however, is not just an atmosphere but also a set of behavioural rules, i.e. the acts of being gezelig. Of this set of rules, included is the act of consuming lots of biertjes. Importantly though, the act of consuming beer should not interfere with any of the other rules of gezeligheid. These include stimulating, vigorous, conversation on relevant, contemporary and mutually interesting subjects (1). The combined act of consuming biertjes en masse and maintaining the conversational requirements is considered to be the height of cool.

The result of this is that one cannot simply “outdrink” the dutch. One must simultaneously out-debate one's opponent. One must push them into the back waters of conversation with one’s puncturingly penetratingly insightful political, historical, social or economic points of view until the opponent is left baffled and wondering what more books he can read, where he can travel to, what newspapers he can peruse in order to compete with this new force which he is presented with; wistfully bashing off round after round horse-killingly strong arguments while sucking the foam off another biertje. One must stun your opponent into silence, a silence characterised by awe and self-doubt in which the only act is to quietly drink, until the opponent falls off his stool.

There is no way that you can get the dutch to play a drinking game or engage in any sort of boisterous activity which involves getting pissed. This goes against the rules of gezeligheid. Out drinking the dutch is a biathlon contemporary applied intelligence and drinking stamina which none should undertake lightly.

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