Friday, 8 July 2011
How to Outdrink the IRISH
I don't have the slightest fucking idea as to what the best way of going about this is, because the Irish are among the very worst beasts you can be confronted with when indulging in this type of sport. They can take beer like it's orange juice and they're fucking animals with the liquors, too. As if their physical abilities weren't terrifying enough, they are also deceptive in appearance: Irish people tend to look harmless, generally being small and/or thin, with nerdy-ish haber-dashery, stuff like glasses or even ties, and a friendly, subdued demeanour. It is all guaranteed to lead you astray. My one attempt at challenging an Irishman involved a bottle of Famous Grouse Whisky and it ended with me being carried home on his shoulders while I babbled to one of the ugliest girls I've ever known how she was 'the nucleus of the universe' or god knows what. The next day I woke up to find most of my bathroom encrusted with vomit, most notably the shower-curtains, a pong which is best left undescribed, and a sense of illness which had something terminal about it. I also found... no, I shall not say what else I was forced to endure that morning. There's some things I'm not ready to disclose to the public.
The experience has put me off challenging other Irishmen since, so this may account for my lack of preparation on the subject of how to outdrink them. I think the best thing you can do is not to bring liquor into it, and especially Whisky, since they own that shit. Guinness is probably best avoided, too. A very careful preparation is required and a full stomach, because you can be sure the conflict will last until late. Territorial considerations may be of help. I think bringing your opponent to an open party, a heavy-handed disco or a gig could come to your advantage, since they strike me as more sedentary drinkers, used to staying in pubs or house-parties during the rain. But this is conjecture, not fact. Also, I've never experimented throwing wine at them, nor have I seen how they take the weed / alcohol combo. Certainly one to try, and I'm looking forward to any results anyone has to share.
Other than that, if you get entanglend in a challenge with one of these potato-eaters, all I can do is wish you good luck.